Well I have not updated everyone on what happened following my surgery.

I went in for my post op follow up appointment on October 18. I had thrown up the whole night before but thought it was unrelated. I had also had some pain in my pelvis which I just assumed were the stitches inside me. She said they got all the cancer out and even grabbed some surrounding tissue and it came back clean! Yay!! Cancer free, Cancer free!!! However, she suspected I had an infection near the suture site inside so she admitted me straight into the hospital. She wanted a CT scan to see where exactly it was and how bad, plus they started me on IV antibiotics right away. Sounds simple enough, wrong. I am allergic to the IV contrast so hospital regulation is 12 hours of prep including benedryl and prednisone (which is one of the most disgusting pills you will ever taste!). Also you are not allowed to eat within 8 hours of getting your scan, so it made the pills taste that much worse. I was exhausted and nauseous still by the time I was able to get the CT scan done, which was 3 a.m. by the way! I was able to go back to bed and found out the next morning that I did in fact have an infection but I could go home and finish my antibiotics.

I was doing a lot better until about a week later I woke up in the middle of the night in excruciating pain. I took 2 oxycodone and put a heating pad on. 40 minutes later I was still in as much pain as I was when I woke up. My mom decided we should go to the ER just in case. I get to St. Francis in Federal Way and was immediately put on more pain killers. The doctor said he didn't want to do an exam without consulting my doctor so he called her. She said do the pap and get a tissue sample and also do an external ultrasound. The exam was painful (as they always are for me now) but nothing like the ultrasound. She couldn't find my ovaries so she decided to do an internal ultrasound as well. She was moving the camera all around trying to find them. I kept telling her that they had been surgically relocated but she was determined. She never did find them!! After that I was told I needed to be transported by an ambulance to Swedish in Seattle. I looked at my mom and just started laughing, I thought he was kidding! He wasn't.

Basically after I got to Swedish they determined it was the same infection and I just needed a different type of antibiotic. I have now been taking those and my last dose was last night :) I had a final follow up appointment on Thursday and she said everything is looking great. I still need to take it easy and I am not allowed to lift more than 10 pounds for 5 or 6 months but I am on the road to recovery!

My next appointment is not until December. I will still try and keep everyone updated. I can't believe we did it!! We all made it through a tough summer but I am officially on the other side.

FEELS GREAT!!

Found this pic and tweaked to fit me!

 

 

 

Surgery went well :)

I am unofficially in remission!! It is unofficial because I have not had my follow up doctors appointment yet with the pathology report but she seems to think we got it all out.

Healing this time seems to be easier. I am not in as much pain as I was last time although I am staying on top of the drugs better. And the heating pad helps out a lot! My last day in the hospital was a nightmare. The nurses assistant was a total brat. She was rough and had no patience with me. I had to go for a walk before I could leave the hospital and she ended up practically dragging me around. By the time we got back to the room I was in tears and she said "does it hurt?", umm yea, that's why I begged you to stop 3 times! And she dumped out my pee before the nurse could inspect it (there was blood in it but I am not sure if it was from my urine or my surgery) and then told the nurse "she peed, she can go". I was kicked out of the hospital before I was ready. It was 10 am the next morning. They also were not keeping track of my medicines. My nurse kept coming in and saying, how many did she give you? Oh I forgot to write down how many last time. I can't remember the last time I gave you meds... It was a mess, I am lucky I didn't overdose!

I love my doctor but I really don't think I will ever have surgery there again. It was miserable and I was truly happy to be home just to be away from them!

I had some good friends come and see me after I got home home. It was so nice and they brought flowers, brownies, movies, etc. One friend even made me the cutest banner that says stay strong Mallory. We have it hanging in the living room. I love it! I am so blessed to have so many friends during all of this. It has been a true test of faith but I feel stronger from it!

I will keep you all updated on my post op appt. and as of right now I am going to home to AZ on October 22!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So excited!

Aloha from Maui!

I am currently on vacation with my family. It is so beautiful here! For the first time in a long time I feel completely relaxed.

Now for an update. I finally got in to get my CT Scan. They did not do the contrast IV because I am allergic to it so I just had to drink the nasty smoothie, yuck! The day after my Scan I had a follow up appointment with my Chemo doctor. Even though she wasn't the one who ordered the scan she went over the results with me. She started reading it and then she said that my lungs were still clear (YAY!) and none of my organs showed anything out of the ordinary. She also said that my tumor seems to be the same size as it was for my last CT Scan with a smile. That's great except my last CT Scan was in May before all this started! She looked back and sure enough, my tumor has NOT shrank! I was so bummed when she said that. My heart sank. A whole summer wasted of Radiation and Chemo for nothing!! She could tell I was upset and said that it was still a good thing because it did clear the cancer from the tissue around my cervix and it kept it from growing. She said she would highly recommend a Hysterectomy at this point and since I am already getting one, I am on the right track. I was disappointed but left feeling good because I now know I made the right decision to have the surgery.

3 days later we left for Hawaii. I woke up that morning feeling good but right before we boarded the plane I started bleeding. Not heavily but enough to scare me a little. I decided to wait until we landed to call the doctor because I was going to Hawaii no matter what!! After a 6 hour flight I turned on my phone and had a message waiting. It was from the doctor that ordered the CT Scan. She said she wanted me to call her to discuss my results. At this point I wasn't panicking but a little nervous because she didn't just say everything was fine in the message. After exiting the plane I called her back and realized I was just 5 minutes late. Here in Hawaii it is 3 hours earlier so even though it was only 2:05 there it was 5:05. Ugh.

The next morning I call at 6 am here (9 am there) and ask to speak with the doctor that had called. She was out that day so I decided to call my regular doctor and fill her in, especially because I was bleeding now. They were closed on Tuesday. I felt like I couldn't catch a break! I left a message anyway. About 3 hours later I get a call from one of the nurses. She said "Can you come in today? We need to discuss your CT results." Now I was nervous! I told them I couldn't make it in until at least the 21st. She put me on hold and had another doctor come to the phone. She basically said that because I didn't have the contrast IV they couldn't really tell if there was a new growth or if it just wasn't shrinking. They need me to have a PET Scan when I get home.

Not as bad as I thought. All that worry for nothing!! Yesterday my Chemo doctor called to say my Vitamin B level is extremely low but all I need to do for that is take 1000 mg of B12 a day. That is why my energy hasn't returned. So excited to feel like me again :)

Anyway in the meantime I am enjoying Hawaii very much! Even with this crap going on I am finding it fairly easy to relax!! Aloha!

I woke up this morning with a little bit of a fever. Also I have been in a lot of pain this week and have had some other things not normal so I called the doctor just to be sure first thing this morning. They suggested I come in even if it is nothing, better to be safe than sorry. My doctor was off today so I met Dr. Beth and she did my exam. I really liked her (like I said, I have gotten super lucky with my medical team). She was very careful and precise. She said it doesn't seem like anything is wrong with the tumor, however, my stomach is extremely tender so she ordered a CT scan. I hate these. The gross smoothie you need to drink first, the lying on a bed being told when to breathe and when to hold your breath, the contrast dye (which I am allergic to by the way) that makes you feel like you are peeing your pants, etc. So I am already anxious when I call to schedule it and the receptionist was a total brat. She was asking me what doctor ordered it because she has never met a Dr. Beth (and apparently she knows every doctor in the world), why she needed me to have it done, why it was focused on my pelvic area, and then proceeded to tell me that I need insurance approval that takes 5-7 days minimum. I understand that last part to a certain degree but her attitude was unpleasant and I did not need to get insurance approval the first time. Which is extra frustrating because they have cancelled my insurance now!!

Long story short is hopefully I am ok but I won't know for sure for at least 5-7 days MINIMUM!

My last day of Radiation was August 14th (almost 2 weeks ago). I thought now was the easy part, I was wrong. My skin has gotten worse for some reason. Instead of healing it just feels more burnt everyday. I get really bad headaches, I have hot flashes regularly now, and my tumor is causing more pain than when this whole thing began. I feel like I am living on pain meds now and I hate that. Also I haven't lost a single pound since going off Chemo. It's depressing. Is this my new size? I am not used to it and I don't feel pretty at all anymore. My stomach looks (ironically) like I am pregnant plus I have 5 nasty scars from my surgery that look more like bug bites than battle wounds. Nothing I own fits right. I can't wear jeans again because my skin is so irritated. I live in sweats. I feel like a bum.

Today I decided to go shopping for a friend that is due to have a baby any minute now. She is my best friend ever as she has taken care of me when I can't. She took me in and let me live with her when I needed a place to stay. She paid for meals for me when I couldn't afford to. She gives me the greatest advice even when I think I have heard it all. She, again, is my best friend. So today I went to find her new baby boy a cute outfit. I was looking in the 9-12 month section because babies grow fast and her babies grow even faster. As I am looking through the rack I come across a cute Hurley brand outfit. I start to wonder if they like Hurley and what their baby would look like in it. Then I thought "well I would dress my baby in this..." at which point I start crying really hard in the middle of the store. It sneaks up on me. These moments of weakness that I don't expect. I am really sad I will never be able to be pregnant again. I will never feel a baby kick. The journey of getting a baby I know is really hard. I hate to act like a victim but honestly this is just the shittiest luck ever. I ended up just walking away. I couldn't be there any longer. I was really embarrassed especially because no one else knows why I am crying.

I did not write any of this for sympathy or compliments. I wrote it to show that I am weak sometimes. I know everyone thinks I have been extremely strong, and I agree for the most part, but I do have my moments. Today has been a hard day. The Radiation has really drowned me in pain. I am trying to recover but the last 2 days have seemed impossible.

Just found some more pictures I never posted from Radiation and my first Chemo treatment. Enjoy!

This is Radiation. You can see where I lay on a bed and a huge machine circles around me. Radiation only ever took 5 to 10 minutes. I miss that crew, they were awesome!

Another close up of me and the big machine.

These show where the radiation was directed in my pelvic area. They took these photos once a week to make sure the radiation was going where it needed to be.

This was my very first day of Chemo. That blanket over my arm was to warm the veins so they would get big and throb. I had to do this weekly because apparently I have tiny veins. Also the blanket trick helped a lot to relieve the pain of the Chemo entering the vein.

The Chemo made me have to pee constantly! I was up at least every hour to go to the bathroom. Lucky for me I had a private room most of the time which included a bed and my own bathroom!

Messy hair but good spirits considering :)

My cousin Brianna was amazing! She came every single week and had lunch with me. She also brought me treats and presents, plus a lot of reading material and games I could play by myself to pass the time when I was alone. One week in particular I was really sad and had an awful nurse and she just let me cry and rubbed my back and stayed by my side. I don't know what I would have done without her!!!!!!!!!! Thanks Brianna, I love you!

This is the actual bag of Chemo I had. It is called Cisplatin (pronounced sis-plat-in) It was awful. It made everything taste like metal. It made my body feel like I was being poisoned for  2 to 3 days after treatments even. It did not, however, make me lose my hair or lose a ton of weight. The guy that prepared my Chemo bags is Rollie. He is awesome. He was super friendly and always came by my room to chat. He was like a bartender for Chemo and we always called him a wizard in his potion cave because he had to mix everything in a tiny little room that had 2 locked doors just to access it. I got really lucky with most of the staff there too!

And my first trip home. I was severely nauseous and the mask helped to block smells. It was the only week I needed to wear the mask because I figured out which meds helped.

I look like a Jackson kid :)



Decision made.

I am stopping treatment and having a hysterectomy in about 6 weeks. Which also means I will not be able to go back to Arizona as soon as I hoped. As of right now, my surgery is planned for October 8th. I will not be able to move much for at least a week after surgery, but I am hoping to be home in AZ by my birthday (Halloween for those of you that don't know)!

The pros and cons were a lot to think about, however she did say I can keep my ovaries even with the surgery. So if I don't go through menopause my eggs will be usable :)

She said that normally she does not even offer a hysterectomy to her patients because they are unnecessary when going the Chemo and Radiation route but because of my age she gave me the option. There is still a lot of risk with having the surgery such as bladder problems, colon problems, excessive bleeding, and she said people who have had radiation tend to take twice as long to fully heal. So on average it takes a week to be up and walking but for me it will be a week to two weeks and it takes about 3 months to fully recover but for me it may take 5 or 6 months. I won't be able to lift things or do any strenuous activity for 5 to 6 months!

The appealing part to me was the fact that it will be taken out. They were going to leave the tumor in there forever, it would be cancer free, but it would still be in there! That I never liked the idea of. She said even having the hysterectomy my cancer could come back but for me it is peace of mind having the tumor out. Also she said my tumor is half the size it was. For me that isn't good enough. I only had 2 more treatments left. She said the radiation works for about 2 months after but that still didn't make me feel too confident it would be gone.

All in all I feel it is the right decision for me.

When this journey began I was told I would never be able to "carry" my own child. I went through my first surgery ever to save my only chance of having another child of my own. They moved my ovaries higher up into my body to try and protect them from radiation so that one day I can use a surrogate. We wouldn't know if the surgery was a success until all radiation was complete, but if I went through menopause we knew it had failed. As of about a month ago I started showing signs of menopause. At first I really tried to ignore the symptoms but then other people started to notice too. I have hot flashes that come on suddenly but nothing like the ones my mom had when she went through menopause. She had ones that burned so hot she had to strip down to almost nothing and walk out back for awhile just to cool down, as where I get really hot but just taking off a sweater or stepping outside brought instant relief. Then the mood swings started. I get annoyed very easily and usually by people that I care the most about, I start crying over the dumbest things, and I don't feel like doing anything. I don't know if that last one is a symptom but it isn't like me normally.

Now onto my second radiation treatment.

It was just like last week except when I woke up, I felt no pain! Even when they moved me to and from the CT scan bed again. Also this week they said that everything looked good and we could use the same plan as last week so instead of waiting 3 hours I got to just go in and do it. As the treatment started I began to feel a little pain but nothing compared to last week. When it was all over my doctor came in to talk to me. Here is where the unexpected news comes in. He said I needed to meet with my Oncologist (cancer doctor) before my appointment next Tuesday to discuss if she wants me to finish radiation, stop radiation and have a hysterectomy, or finish radiation and have a hysterectomy.

He said at this point it is hard to prove and there is a lot of debate surrounding the topic of whether a hysterectomy is beneficial to preventing cancer from coming back, however he would hate to find out in 20 years that I should have had one and there just wasn't enough proof at the time to show that. Since I am only 25, preventing this cancer from coming back is huge. Quite honestly I think about this all the time. The down side of getting this done is there is a much higher risk of causing problems to my bladder and/or colon which are pretty weak anyway from all the radiation I have undergone.

So I asked, what about my ovaries. Can they still be saved? He said at this point it doesn't really matter. I have had too much radiation for him to believe they will ever really work.

My options are don't get the hysterectomy and risk the cancer coming back with just the hope of my ovaries functioning properly or get the hysterectomy and know that my ovaries are gone with no chance of working and still the cancer may come back because nothing has really been proven otherwise.

It's weird to think that when this year started my biggest goal was to travel and say yes more. Now I am fighting for my life and all the while just trying to stay positive.

First Day.

Internal radiation is no joke. I have handled everything pretty well up until now I think, this was the hardest day by far!

I went in at 6 am and got home around 1:30. Everything I was worried about turned out fine. Specifically waking up after the general anesthesia. I woke up and was joking with the nurse all the way to the cancer center.

When I was under they had put a large rod directly on my cervix so when I woke up, I could barely move. This made it so that when I needed a CT scan 6 nurses had to pick me up and transfer me to a different bed. That went fine. Transferring me back, however, are where my problems started.

The rod they place on my cervix is very large and has 3 prongs on the tip. In order to protect my bladder and colon from radiation, they wrap it in gauze. A lot of gauze, which causes a lot of pressure. When they moved me back onto my bed, something shifted and I felt a lot of pain. I actually think it was the gauze pressing on my catheter making for a very painful 4 hours.

At first I just said this really hurts, but 30 minutes in I was in tears. I cried for 4 hours! I am almost embarrassed thinking back. They must think I am just young and can't handle pain. They kept giving me more and more pain meds, but nothing seemed to work. Not even Morphine. I have had a baby and that was nothing compared to this. Granted I had an epidural when I had Katie, but it still hurt. This was worse. My nurse was awesome, she kept a cold compress on my head and brushed my hair with her hand and helped me calm down. I had gotten so worked up at one point that I was breathing in really hard (like when you cry really hard) and the more I breathed in, the worse it hurt. I had to take slow deep breaths in order to stay calm.

My doctor said next week should be better. Now that he knows my tolerance, he will put Morphine in my IV while I am under. That way I wake up with the pain killers having a chance to work. Everyone cross your fingers because I honestly don't think I can deal with that much pain for the next 3 weeks! He also said that the first week is always the hardest because it is new to your body and the wait in between shouldn't be as long because they already know about where to direct the radiation.

Thanks for the continued support!

Hey!!

So sorry I have been MIA. I have had about 2 weeks off from treatment and I have been enjoying every minute of it! I have been gaining energy by the day.

I start internal treatment on August 7th. I met with the nurse today and she went over exactly how everything works. I shared my concern of waking up after the anesthesia and she said even though it is the same kind I had before, it is a smaller dose, I won't be out nearly as long, and they won't be adding other drugs in with it like they did before. She also said that if the first week it is too much for me to wake up quickly, we can tweak it or even try a different kind the next week. All in all she made me feel much more comfortable. She also said that my doctor has been doing this for 30 years so I am in pretty good hands :)

I have to be honest, I am scared my treatment has not worked. Partly because I am a Nervous Nancy but mostly because of how well I have done so far. It makes me nervous that my hair didn't even thin and it makes me nervous that my blood work always came back so good. I am scared that in November or December when they take a final look, it is going to reveal that we accomplished nothing. I try really hard not to think this way, I need to remind myself that this is just the journey.

My best friends mom had breast cancer and she has given me amazing guidance through this whole thing. When I get scared or upset she boosts my spirit just by sharing her experience and how she got through it. She is like my safety blanket in all of this. She said that during her chemo treatments (16 in total) she thought of them as being in the middle of a tunnel. It is dark and scary but there is an end. If I can just think of today as the middle of the tunnel, I will eventually make it to the other side where a bright future is waiting for me. In a sense, she is at the end of my tunnel guiding me out. Now that I think about it, all of you are. My support system is yelling for me, cheering me on even, guiding me through the dark. I don't feel so lost because I hear you guys!

Thanks for being my flashlight in these dark times.

My last Chemo was yesterday!

It went really well :)

I am a little sick today but mainly just tired. I am super excited to be done with Chemo with what I hope is the rest of my life! Radiation ends Tuesday and that is also very exciting!! I have a 3 or 4 week break then until I start internal radiation, which I have to be honest, I am terrified of.

Hopefully it is just the unknown and it won't actually be that bad but the more and more I think about it, I get more and more scared.

Back to good things! My mom has been planning a trip to Hawaii since September of last year and it just happens to fall about 2 weeks after all my treatments are done!! I am so excited to celebrate being cancer free in such a beautiful place. My family really deserves it after all of this. My mom has driven me 4 days a week to and from radiation and once a week to Chemo. It is about 40 to 50 minutes round trip every time.

I would also like to take a minute and truly thank my friend Rhonda and her whole family for putting on the benefit for me. I don't think I ever properly gave them gratitude! It was amazing and I had so much fun!! They worked really hard and selflessly to help me pay bills that needed to be paid. I am truly appreciative of them!!

Here are some pictures of my last at Chemo :)

Last time I am poked with a needle for Chemo!!

Congrats from the staff in the infusion department :)

And me, finally done! It feels so good!!!!!!!!!!

Feeling good.

This week of Chemo started rough but as of today I am feeling pretty good :)

I am getting more and more nervous about the internal radiation, but I think it's just because I don't really know what to expect. I am concerned because I had a very hard time with the general anesthesia when I had my surgery. The hope would be that because I am not having any incisions it won't be as bad...

So my last Chemotherapy treatment is this Thursday 7/12. And my last radiation is next Tuesday 7/17. And then I get a 2 or 3 week break before starting internal radiation. I hope I have energy during my break! I am so sick of feeling tired and run down everyday. Plus this Chemo brain is really starting to get to me. I feel like I can't make any real decisions, everything is a little fuzzy. Things like shopping are practically impossible because nothing seems right. Every shoe looks perfect and every ice cream flavor sounds good...it seems small but it is really hard to deal with.

I am going to miss the radiation staff. I like my Chemo staff but the radiation people I see everyday. And I genuinely really like them. They have made me so comfortable and helped with every little bit along the way. The departure will be bitter sweet.

All in all I am excited to be done with 2 major hurdles. Just one more to overcome and then I can go home and forget this crap ever happened. I doubt it will be that easy to forget, and maybe I don't really want to forget. This has been such an amazing life lesson. Yea, I don't want to forget but I do want a break from learning!!!!!!

Just got an email as to what to expect with internal radiation. I am just going to post that instead of trying to relay information, so what you are reading is what I know as well. Here goes...

TANDEM AND OVOIDS PATIENT INFORMATION

 

As part of your treatment, you will be undergoing a series of radiation implants called Tandem and Ovoids (T&O). The following information will outline what to expect with these treatments.

A tandem and ovoid implant is used to deliver a higher dose of radiation to the cervix than can be achieved with external radiation alone. Three metal rods are placed through the vagina, one into the uterus (the tandem), and the other two (the ovoids) just outside the cervix. To keep you more comfortable, this procedure is done in surgery while you are asleep. Because the implant is placed through the vagina, no surgical incision is necessary. The procedure only takes approximately ½ to 1 hour.

When you wake up from the anesthesia, you will be aware of the implant, a catheter to drain your urine and an IV. You may experience some cramping or menstrual-type pain. When you are stable, you will be transferred via stretcher to the Cancer Institute.

When you arrive at the Cancer Institute, an x-ray (simulation) of the implant will be taken. This x-ray is used to develop an individualized treatment plan. Planning must be done prior to your radiation treatment and takes approximately 1 hour. While waiting for the plan to be completed, you will be monitored by a nurse. If you like, your family may wait with you, you may read quietly or rest. After the first treatment, the same treatment plan may be used. In this case, the waiting is not necessary and you will receive your treatment immediately after your x-ray. However, a new plan may be needed depending on the results of your x-ray. Your physician or nurse will let you know whether a new plan is necessary and when treatment will begin.

When the plan is completed, the implant will be connected to the radiation treatment machine with connecting cables. The doctor and nurse will leave the treatment room. You will continue to be monitored via intercom and a TV monitor. During treatment, you will hear clicking and whirring sounds. Treatment takes approximately 10-20 minutes. Please lie quietly during the treatment.

When the radiation treatment is complete, the cable will be disconnected from the implant. The catheter, packing (gauze which holds the implant in place) and the implant will be removed. This process will be a little uncomfortable or feel funny. When everything is out, the discomfort quickly goes away. The IV is also removed. You will then be assisted to a sitting position and then out of bed. When you’re ready, you may get dressed and your escort will drive you home.

Plan to spend half the day at the hospital for this procedure. You are not radioactive so you may have family or friends visit if you like. However, you may be tired the day of the procedure so plan to rest the remainder of the day. Do not go to work the day you have the treatment. You will feel better the following morning after a good night’s sleep. Please do not drive for 24 hours after the procedure.

Also I plan to write in depth about Chemo this week, just been pretty sick and not totally up to writing. I will get there! I promise!!

 4 down, 2 to go!

Chemotherapy treatments that is!

I had such a busy week! On Wednesday I got my hair cut, Thursday was Chemo, and come Saturday the benefit! I am so excited for tomorrow! It has given me something to look forward to all week.

My haircut was kind of a spontaneous decision because I was at lunch with my mom and an old friend posted that she can take clients now at Gene Juarez. I decided that I would like to feel girly for the first time since I moved home and this would be a great chance to catch up with her. I called to make the appointment and she was all booked :( I couldn't do it Thursday because of Chemo and I knew Friday I would be sick all day but now I really wanted it done before the event on Saturday. So I called a salon up the street to see if they had any available. They did! When I went in I told the lady right off the bat that my hair is already damaged from bleaching all of last year and that I was on Chemo and had been lucky enough not to lose it yet. I didn't want to color it because I am sure the chemicals can't be good for Chemo hair and if it does fall out, it would just be a waste of money. She agreed. I am truly sorry I don't remember her name because she turned out to be such an awesome person! We chatted as if we were old friends and I really appreciated not being rushed out. She took her time and then curled my hair. I felt so pretty! I seriously feel like she could be a friend for life :) Her grandmother is going through Chemo for stomach cancer so I have been praying every day for her, but it seems like she has the same positive attitude as me. She said she is old and she may die one day but it is not going to be from the cancer! I love it! When my appointment was over I went to pay and the front desk lady told me there was no charge. My hair dresser had taken care of it! It is so amazing how compassionate people are! Anyway I huge thank you to you if you are reading! Please leave a comment at the bottom reminding me of your name or find me on Facebook so I can thank you once again!!!

Chemo was extremely rough this week. I had gotten a really bad night’s sleep the night before totaling only around 3 hours so I was already exhausted going in. Then on our way there I started to feel really nauseous. When it was time to start Chemo I was already having such a hard time and to make matters worse, it seemed like my nurse was having a bad day. Now I want to be really careful what I say here because I have had nothing but the most impeccable staff working with me from the start. I was being very sensitive that day and I know a lot of people read this. She wasn't a bad nurse it just seemed like a bad day for both of us. It really was the hardest Chemo treatment I have had so far and I know it doesn't help that the radiation is really starting to affect my body as well. Even today I am feeling quite under the weather still and I am seriously hoping to be 100% better by tomorrow! I am drinking water like crazy just trying to flush this crap out of me.

Today I plan to just rest. I am going to stay in bed all day and really not push myself at all so I can be there tomorrow! I have been so excited for this. It really means a lot to have the support of all my friends and family and I am just so excited to see everyone. There are so many great items up for auction too! My mom has been working really hard on getting the craft table ready. It is going to be fun :)

Thanks again to everyone who is reading my blog. It's great to know that I am supported by so many!

Please come if you can. My friend has worked very hard on this and it is going to be sooooo much fun!! See you there!!!!!

Half Way!!!!!!!!

:)

I am so proud to announce that today was my halfway mark to the end of Chemo. I am super proud of myself for hanging in! In just 3 short weeks I will be done with Chemo! DONE! It is the most exciting thing in my life. The feeling of life has come back :)

Today was actually a pretty rough day but right now nothing can get me down!

It started like every other Chemo day, only today Rhonda got to come (such an amazing person to be 7 months pregnant and still caring for me!). Radiation at 8:30 Chemo at 9 am.

Radiation is starting to take its toll on me. I can feel my skin changing, which sucks. I feel like I have a sun burn on my vagina. Super painful! Plus everything just feels a little tense down there, inside and out. The radiation appointments themselves are nothing but the over time effects I can feel. I am no longer able to wear jeans, they just rub my skin raw, so I have been in long flowy dresses everyday. I have a few pairs of sweats that I can wear but even those seem to rub a little. The perk is, I always look dressed up :)

Then we headed over for Chemotherapy. I got to be in my own room again with a bed. The first week I went I had a room by myself with a bed. The second week they didn't have one available so I was stuck in a room with patients all day. I loved and hated this for different reasons. The plus side was getting to meet patients all day long. They are all much older but sooooo friendly! Everyone I met has a unique quality. The first lady was much quieter than anyone else throughout the day. She said her name but kept to herself mostly. About 30 minutes into her treatment her heart rate dropped. A lot. It was really scary for me but the staff is so poised and know just what to do. They got it stabilized and as fast as she came, she was gone. This is the downside to being in the shared room. My treatment is a very long process. It takes about 8 or 9 hours based on how well I take the treatment. I love meeting everyone but it seems that all of their treatments are an hour or 2 tops! I get so anxious to leave. I am disappointed when my is not even half over and they get to go home. It's so unfair!!!

The next patient was an older man and his wife came for support. They were awesome! He was a gun collector and we talked about Arizona. He has grand kids there. They left within the hour but got my name for their prayer list at church. I love how people are so selfless. They thought of me and my recovery. That was actually his last treatment and is going for a bone marrow transplant surgery in late June. Let's pray for him and his family as well!

As the day went on more and more visited. I finally finished and beat the last girl out! We were racing because her treatment was also a short one!

Anyway, back to today. That was all from last week. Today I actually got to have a bed again, Yay! It started like normal except my nurse was different this week. I liked her just as much though. She is younger and getting married in July. We chatted a little bit before the trouble started.

My stupid veins suck. They are tiny and literally dart away from the needle as it comes in. I say literally because I mean it. They shrink so they won't get stuck! The problem is for Chemo they cant just stick it in your hand or at the elbow. It has to be mid lower arm. Triceps area. And not near the wrist where you can see the veins, No No that's too easy! We have been using the same vein for 3 weeks now and today it decided it had enough! Halfway through the day I started feeling the pain. I told myself, there's only 15 more minutes of this bag (one I have had trouble with before, it's the nausea meds they put in before the actual Chemo) I can man up. And I did, sort of. When the drip was over they add in Chemo, normally just fine. Today it was like taking a bunch of needles and stabbing them forcefully all along my arm! I could feel it all the way in my shoulder! She stopped the drip and decided to "play" with the vein. Play sounds friendly and fun, it isn't! She pulled it out a little and asked if it still hurt, I said no. Now when they are doing anything with my arm I always look the opposite way out the window or something so I don't have to feel it. Well today while she was "playing" I did just that so when I said No it didn't hurt she pushed in saline or something to test it. I thought my vein popped! It hurt so bad and it was so sudden that I literally thought she broke my vein. I screamed she jumped, Rhonda jumped, I started to cry (mainly of fear) and she dropped everything. I scared that poor woman so bad. She felt horrible. I didn't mean to scare her (or me for that matter). Eventually she called in someone else and they decided the vein was useless and we had to change arms. I had been fighting her all day on this because I don't want to be stuck in another arm and my right arm at that! But after this whole fiasco I agreed.

Once he got it in my other arm I was golden! It felt sooooooo much better and I could actually relax and enjoy part of the day. An annoying thing they don't really warn you about with the Chemo is how much I have to pee. Any other week it is like once an hour but today it was crazy! I peed at least twice an hour all day. Every time I go I have to drag that big machine that dispenses my drugs. But at least the Chemo is washing out of my kidneys well, right?!

I also got a little nauseous at the end but took one of my many drugs and that seemed to help. I am home now and just about ready for bed but not before making another trip to the bathroom!

In short today was rough but nothing this girl can't handle! Plus when I got home, my mom had cleaned my entire room and hung a picture and new curtains. It was the best surprise to such an eventful day!

Radiation.

Today is the official first day of radiation that I can feel. My lower back is sore. Until now I haven't felt much other than being tired. Today I am actually very weak and my skin feels like it is on fire.

I can barely get out of bed. I'm still in great spirits just not physically able to move about. Looks like bedridden has a whole new meaning!! BOO!

Chemo again!

This week was so much easier than last week! I feel 1 million times better than I did last Saturday around this this time. I am still exhausted but I haven't gotten sick at all!! It truly feels like a miracle.

I can't really relax either. I am so bored but too tired to do anything. I went for a mini walk to the neighbors today and that felt great. Plus I am not nearly as anxious as I was a week ago.


Makes me feel like I can do this :) I have had 2 treatments, 4 more to go! Thursday will be my halfway mark and I can't wait to celebrate!!


I think I have said before but the staff I have are amazing! They make me so comfortable and answer any silly questions I have. Plus they are all (I mean every single one) caring and love what they do. They help save lives everyday and certainly don't take it for granted! So happy I made the choice to come home for treatments :)

Til next week...

Support.

I have had so much support through this whole ordeal. More than anyone could ever imagine. I have had friends from elementary school come help with support. Neighbors, family, friends of friends. It is almost overwhelming and yet so necessary to my recovery.

The amount of people who truly care about my little life is amazing. I have had countless nights where I can't sleep or move for that matter and all I can do is pray that I will make it through. Those prayers that everyone has sent, have helped. I can feel my strength coming back finally now a week after Chemo and even though I start it all again tomorrow, I know I will be OK.

The point of this post is to tell each and every one of you how much I need you. Just getting a few random comments on my blog or Facebook and the many text messages I have received are such a blessing. I am trying so hard to keep track of all the thank yous I owe and given time, I will thank you!

I truly appreciate every single person who has even thought about me in the last 2 months. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!

Now let's kick this cancer's ass!

Chemotherapy :(

Up until I started I had a pretty brave attitude towards the Chemo. That all washed away on day 2. My body feels like it has been through the ringer and back in just 4 short days, plus I have to repeat this for 5 more weeks?!

The chemo makes me tired and very nauseous. I can't even look at my phone or computer screen without wanting to hurl. Not a feeling I like very much. I wanted so bad to update everyone and tell them how much easier it was than expected, but that just wasn't the way this was planned.

Fortunately for me I have an amazing family who is willing to make me as comfortable as possible during all of this. So even though I am on pain/nausea meds through all of this, they do that little extra to help ease me in.

I had Chemo on Thursday and most of the day I was fine. When I left I felt a little weak but nothing I couldn't handle. Then Friday hit and that was probably the worst of it. They say to drink as much liquid as possible but I throw up every time I try and down some. IMPOSSIBLE!! I slept most of the day away on Friday and then Friday night hit with the anxiety. I am exhausted but so antsy I can't hardly stay still.

Then Saturday. In hind sight I was on the rise but I didn't know it at the time. I had to pee every hour but was so tired it was all I could do to get up and walk to the bathroom. Also I was still so weak. My head feels like it's 50 pounds! As of Saturday I truly thought I wasn't going to make it. I prayed that the lord take away the pain and exhaustion.

When I woke up on Sunday, I felt like a new person! I was able to eat and drink without wanting to throw up every ten seconds. I could actually see the light at the end of the Chemo tunnel. I am still tired and a little antsy but nothing like I was on Friday or Saturday.

I CAN DO THIS!!!

Dinner.

I went to my best friends parents house tonight. Her mother is a breast cancer survivor. It was great to hear good feedback from an experienced patient. She told me things to expect from Chemo like taste change. She is an avid coffee lover, always has been, and could not stand the smell of it during her treatments. Her husband said he would get up in the morning, plug in an extension cord, and take the coffee machine out onto the back deck. Even in the freezing January mornings we experience here in Seattle!

I felt a lot of comfort in what she was saying. It is going to be hard but I will be fine. She is an amazing woman that I always looked up to, but after tonight I feel very good. She said something that I am sure I have heard before but it really hit me tonight. Cancer is no longer a death sentence, they are very advanced now in treatments and recovery. Their equipment is much more high tech and survival rates are higher than ever. Maybe it meant more because she is a survivor. Or maybe just because she is like a second mother to me. Probably both. She understands the nerves involved with every doctors visit and has always kept a positive attitude. She is lucky to be alive and I am lucky to know her! Thanks Bonnie for the encouragement and the wonderful spinach salad!

Chemo.


I saw my Chemotherapy doctor today. She seems a little like a "matter of fact" kind of doctor. Not that that's a bad thing, it's just not what I am used to. She told me I will more than likely need a blood transfusion before all this is over, because I am severely anemic. I may not lose my hair but she said it will thin. I have to watch for a couple things:

1. Any numbness in my hands and feet.
2. Hearing loss or ringing in my ears, although this is more common in older patients.
3. Thinning hair.
4. Nausea, which for me is going to be bad I am sure. I have the weakest stomach!
5. Loss of appetite.
6. Taste changes, Metallic taste.
7. Toxins in my kidney (they will be checking)

and a few more that are less common. I am a bit of a hypochondriac so I try not to read too much. I told my mom and Rhonda to research and only tell me what I need to know, then if I experience anything I can ask them about it and they will tell me if it's normal or if I need to worry.

I will have weekly blood tests to monitor my progress. She said that in an 80 year old man she has more flexibility with dosages because basically she is just trying to prolong their life and make it as comfortable as possible, but with me it needs to be an exact science because I am only 25. She is not prolonging my life but allowing me to live it. She also said that my radiation is going to be what saves my life. They really have all the responsibility to get rid of my tumor, the Chemo just helps radiation work 10x stronger.

That scared me a little because for the first time through all of this, I felt like I had Cancer. Up until now I haven't really felt sick. Even through surgery, it hadn't really hit me. But today it just became a little more real.

I left her office feeling pretty good, I am nervous about the nausea but I know it is nothing I can't handle.

Next we went over to my Radiation measurement appointment. I LOVE THE STAFF THERE!!! They are so friendly and really make you feel comfortable. The two people to do my measurements were awesome. They explained everything and then we started.

I had to be put on a bed and go through a donut shaped machine. It actually goes pretty fast, unlike the CT scan. Then they vacuumed a blue bean bag pad to my legs so I will be in the same position every week. It is all very specific but I don't know what anything is called so it sounds so odd. After all that was done I needed to get 3 tiny dot tattoos, so, again, I am in the same position every week. I said "I have had tattoos so I know what to expect." Oh how stupid I am. These are not normal tattoos!!! They put a spot of ink on you, and then stab you with a needle. Yea, you read that right, STAB you with a needle! It hurts. Really hurts. And I had to have 3 of them! I felt so tough though, it's like getting a dirty tattoo in prison :)

Right before the actual tattoo part, they need to mark you. Should be relatively simple, except for me, nothing is. As she started marking me I said "that tickles" to which she replied "well he's about to do it on that side, so don't laugh" at which point I bust up laughing so hard I started to cry! For probably 3 or 4 minutes I could not stop giggling. Neither could my mom, but she was trying to stay quiet because she didn't want to make it worse for me. He finally looked at me and said "You are the only person to ever come in here and laugh". At least I was laughing and not crying, right?! He even laughed a little. I had to close my eyes and take a deep breath.

After I was all done, I was in very good spirits. I would like to think I have had a pretty good attitude through all of this. I mean there is no sense in feeling sorry for myself, it won't help. And all things considered, I am extremely lucky. I am in the 2nd stage of cancer but it hasn't spread and that is a blessing from God! One of my best friends, Lauren, called tonight and said something I needed to hear, the Kingdom is not for the weak. Don't get me wrong, I have bad days but I try to count my blessings those days. It is extremely unfortunate that I will not be able to conceive children now, but lucky for me, I experienced that when I was 19 with my daughter. Her family is so supportive through all of this too. Her mother, Kelly, told me anytime I needed a "fix" that I can come stay with them. I mean how lucky can I be to have such a great relationship with them!

I try and remember to take pictures where ever this road takes me. Here are the pictures I have taken so far.

Warning: Some pictures at the end show my thigh and quite a bit of skin. If you don't want to see them, they will be the last 3 pictures.

This picture is from my first visit to the ER in Tempe. I had the most amazing RN. He made the trip not so miserable. He told great stories to pass the time, as they were extremely busy that night. I never got blood drawn from my right arm until that night, and now I will never go back to my left! Thank You Billy for such a great experience :)

The other 3 pictures are also of that night. My poor roomie, Rikki, stuck it out with me all night!

This bruise was from the shot they put in my arm to bloat my stomach for surgery. After my surgery, I could feel random air bubbles floating throughout my stomach!

These were all the incisions made during my surgery. Most of them were to move my ovaries up and away from the radiation zone, but one (or some) was to take out lymph nodes to see if the cancer had spread. It didn't :)

And some without the bandages. The weirdest place was right through my belly button. That one seems to be the most annoying as it scabs over, it itches like crazy!!! All in all I had 6 incisions and it looks like they won't scar, although at this point it would be cool to have some "battle wounds"!

I had surgery on Monday but by Thursday was feeling pretty good. Turns out I probably pushed myself a little too much because I was staying with one of my besties, Rhonda, and by Saturday night I had a an ER visit. I had a pretty big blood clot come out and then couldn't stop bleeding for a couple minutes straight. To be safe we went in, and he explained that sometimes happens after surgery but my blood count was really low and he wanted me to take it easy or I would need a blood transfusion. I should also add that by this point I am so used to being stuck with needles, it hardly even phases me anymore!

Then randomly on Tuesday, yesterday, I woke up with this rash on my neck. I still don't know what caused it but my doctor thinks it may be the pain killers. It doesn't bother me that much, lightly itchy, but it looks terrible! Even today it still looks pretty broken out but I am still taking my medication so that is probably not helping!

 

This is from Radiology today. About to have measurements so they know where to direct the radiation every week.

Okay, now is when I need to warn you about the next pictures. These were taken at my Radiology appointment today and they had to lower my pants. I want to be really open and honest through all of this experience, so I am going to add them. My intention is not to be offensive, so if you don't want to see them, stop now!

This is when they just started marking me for my tattoos. The black marks on my hip is just one of the spots I got tattoo'd on. I have one on the other side and right down the middle.

Marking my other hip...

and my tattoo right down the middle. THESE WERE NOT FUN! I have had tattoos, but never like this. They used a dab of ink and stabbed you with a needle, just like a jailhouse tat!

From the beginning (read at your own risk)

For those of you who don't know the whole story, here goes:

I originally went to the gyno because I was bleeding for a whole year. The reason I did not go sooner was because the bleeding started when I had a birth control (called implanon) implanted in my arm. They told me that my bleeding would either completely stop or I would bleed everyday for 3 months. So when the 3 months were up and I was still bleeding, I just figured it was still from the implanon. Then after about a year and 2 months, I started to experience a lot of pain. More than just cramps, just a dull pain that never left. One night in March, I was in the shower and all of a sudden I started bleeding a ton. It didn't hurt but it was certainly cause for concern. The scariest part was a lot of it was blood clots. I called my mom crying and freaking out and she said to lay down on the bed for an hour and if I bled through my pad I needed to call her back right away. 20 minutes went by and I was already bleeding through. She and I both decided I needed to go to the E.R.

My roommate Rikki took me to the E.R. The wait was unreal. We were in the waiting room for more than 3 hours. When they finally took me back, it took them another 2 hours to take my blood for testing. Finally they were ready to do the exam and then realized they put me in the wrong room, so I had to get up and walk to a different bed across the E.R. in my gown!!! Then it took them another hour to come see me. When I finally had the exam, the doctor told me that I did in fact have abnormal bleeding. He said "go home, take a vicoden and you will be fine." He also said that maybe I should check in with an OBGYN and get my implanon out. They left me in the room for another hour before finally releasing me. I was in the E.R. for a total of 8 hours that night!!!!!!! My poor roomie had stuck by my side through it all. Thanks Girl!

After the awesome E.R. trip I put off seeing a doctor because I have no medical insurance and I knew my hospital bills were going to be ridiculous ($2600 to be exact). So I let things go for a couple more weeks until things made a turn for the worst.

I was experiencing crazy bleed outs like that night 2 or 3 times a week at this point. And then the pain got worse and more severe. I always had the dull pain, but when I needed to pee or after I had just eaten I would get sharp stabbing pains that would last 10 minutes sometimes. I went to work one night and was telling some of the girls casually about everything going on and the owners wife, Paula, showed a lot of concern. She told me I needed to get checked immediately and she didn't care about the cost. She would help in any way she could, she just wanted me to get some answers. I called the next morning and scheduled and appointment.

When I arrived at my appointment I was confident they were just going to tell me that I needed my birth control out. I told that to the OBGYN and he agreed. He said he wanted to do the pap just to be safe but it probably was just my implanon causing problems. During the exam I had a lot of pain. More than the normal exam amount. And I saw his expression turn from normal to concern. I asked if it was just the birth control and he said he would talk to me in a minute. After the exam he sat me up and said "This has nothing to do with the implanon, I see a large mass on your cervix. It could be nothing like a cyst or just benign mass, but it could be something like a cancerous tumor. We need to do a biopsy and have a CT scan done to be sure." I then said "ok, well just so you know, I don't have insurance so of course I will do what is necessary but if there is anything we can skip please let me know." To which he replied "Then I am going to be extremely honest with you. This is not good. I can tell it is a tumor and based on the size and the way it bleeds when I touch it, I am 98% positive this is cancer."

CANCER. That word is the scariest word to me. I know barely anything about cancer and now I may actually have it. After I left his office I felt beaten down. I just sat in my car in the parking lot trying to process what just happened. Eventually I called my mom and we decided I should call my doctor in Seattle and see what she thinks. She called me immediately the next day to tell me that based on  my age it is highly unlikely that it is actually cancer. I decided I trust her opinion the most and knew she would do whatever it took to help me without losing the ability to have kids, so I flew home. She saw me the following morning (on her day off!)

Half way through that exam I saw the same expression on her face as the gyno in Phoenix. When she finished she asked me to sit up and before she could finish telling me she started to choke up. I cried, she cried, and then we made a plan. I only add this in here to show how much I love my doctor. She is someone who truly cares about my health and my future. I am not just another patient to her, I am a person in need of great health care. She also could tell just by the size and tenderness of it that it was going to come back malignant. So when I got the news the next morning that sure enough it was a tumor and was confirmed cervical cancer, I wasn't too surprised.

That is when I went to see my new cancer specialist. She determined it was stage 2B. There are only 3 stages and they go 123 and abc. So I was smack dab in the middle. We still have not figured out why it has grown so much so fast. My Dr. told me, the size of my tumor is what she would expect to see on someone that has had it for 10 years and mine is less than a year. We know that because I had a pap done when they originally put in my Implanon. Being in the 2nd stage of this cancer meant surgery to remove the tumor would be pointless due to the fact that it had grown into the tissue surrounding my cervix, which means I need radiation to get rid of it there. So we decided to do a surgery to move my ovaries up higher into my body, in hopes that the radiation will miss them and I will not go through menopause. THAT WOULD SUCK! She also decided since I was already under the knife, to check my lymph nodes in my abdomen to see if the cancer had spread. It didn't :)

As you can see, the last month has been a roller coaster of emotions for me. Thankfully I have an amazing support system back home in Arizona and here in Washington. My job has been more than understanding of this whole situation and have told me to take as much time as I need. My family and friends have all helped by getting me to appointments and providing me with anything I need. I may seem strong but the truth is I couldn't do this without every single one of you!

Thank you so much!!!!!!!