My last day of Radiation was August 14th (almost 2 weeks ago). I thought now was the easy part, I was wrong. My skin has gotten worse for some reason. Instead of healing it just feels more burnt everyday. I get really bad headaches, I have hot flashes regularly now, and my tumor is causing more pain than when this whole thing began. I feel like I am living on pain meds now and I hate that. Also I haven't lost a single pound since going off Chemo. It's depressing. Is this my new size? I am not used to it and I don't feel pretty at all anymore. My stomach looks (ironically) like I am pregnant plus I have 5 nasty scars from my surgery that look more like bug bites than battle wounds. Nothing I own fits right. I can't wear jeans again because my skin is so irritated. I live in sweats. I feel like a bum.
Today I decided to go shopping for a friend that is due to have a baby any minute now. She is my best friend ever as she has taken care of me when I can't. She took me in and let me live with her when I needed a place to stay. She paid for meals for me when I couldn't afford to. She gives me the greatest advice even when I think I have heard it all. She, again, is my best friend. So today I went to find her new baby boy a cute outfit. I was looking in the 9-12 month section because babies grow fast and her babies grow even faster. As I am looking through the rack I come across a cute Hurley brand outfit. I start to wonder if they like Hurley and what their baby would look like in it. Then I thought "well I would dress my baby in this..." at which point I start crying really hard in the middle of the store. It sneaks up on me. These moments of weakness that I don't expect. I am really sad I will never be able to be pregnant again. I will never feel a baby kick. The journey of getting a baby I know is really hard. I hate to act like a victim but honestly this is just the shittiest luck ever. I ended up just walking away. I couldn't be there any longer. I was really embarrassed especially because no one else knows why I am crying.
I did not write any of this for sympathy or compliments. I wrote it to show that I am weak sometimes. I know everyone thinks I have been extremely strong, and I agree for the most part, but I do have my moments. Today has been a hard day. The Radiation has really drowned me in pain. I am trying to recover but the last 2 days have seemed impossible.
I understand what your going through and it can be a very hard concept to grasp. But through all the rough times u need to remember whats important, which is you, and stay positive. You have been an extremely strong person through all of rhis and I admire how many supporters you have had through all of this. Not everyone would have as much love and support as u have had. :) just know one thing, u will overcome this, u feel normal again, u will someday look back on this and think.. Holy shit I beat cancers ass and im pretty badass ;) not evwryone can have babies, but there sure are alot of babies out there who are in foster homes in need of loving, caring, wonderful people like you who will love them as if theyre their own :) like you. Dont give up hopw. Even tho times seem rough rigjt now and like u may never see a baby of your,own someday, im sure you will mallory :) cuz i believe in miracles and i believe that good things halpen to good people :)
ReplyDeleteYou inspire me everyday. You are still gorgous mallory... And when this is all over I'm taking u out for a spa day, pedicures nails new clothes new makeup. I love u beautiful girl. Hugs
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