Support.

I have had so much support through this whole ordeal. More than anyone could ever imagine. I have had friends from elementary school come help with support. Neighbors, family, friends of friends. It is almost overwhelming and yet so necessary to my recovery.

The amount of people who truly care about my little life is amazing. I have had countless nights where I can't sleep or move for that matter and all I can do is pray that I will make it through. Those prayers that everyone has sent, have helped. I can feel my strength coming back finally now a week after Chemo and even though I start it all again tomorrow, I know I will be OK.

The point of this post is to tell each and every one of you how much I need you. Just getting a few random comments on my blog or Facebook and the many text messages I have received are such a blessing. I am trying so hard to keep track of all the thank yous I owe and given time, I will thank you!

I truly appreciate every single person who has even thought about me in the last 2 months. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!

Now let's kick this cancer's ass!

Chemotherapy :(

Up until I started I had a pretty brave attitude towards the Chemo. That all washed away on day 2. My body feels like it has been through the ringer and back in just 4 short days, plus I have to repeat this for 5 more weeks?!

The chemo makes me tired and very nauseous. I can't even look at my phone or computer screen without wanting to hurl. Not a feeling I like very much. I wanted so bad to update everyone and tell them how much easier it was than expected, but that just wasn't the way this was planned.

Fortunately for me I have an amazing family who is willing to make me as comfortable as possible during all of this. So even though I am on pain/nausea meds through all of this, they do that little extra to help ease me in.

I had Chemo on Thursday and most of the day I was fine. When I left I felt a little weak but nothing I couldn't handle. Then Friday hit and that was probably the worst of it. They say to drink as much liquid as possible but I throw up every time I try and down some. IMPOSSIBLE!! I slept most of the day away on Friday and then Friday night hit with the anxiety. I am exhausted but so antsy I can't hardly stay still.

Then Saturday. In hind sight I was on the rise but I didn't know it at the time. I had to pee every hour but was so tired it was all I could do to get up and walk to the bathroom. Also I was still so weak. My head feels like it's 50 pounds! As of Saturday I truly thought I wasn't going to make it. I prayed that the lord take away the pain and exhaustion.

When I woke up on Sunday, I felt like a new person! I was able to eat and drink without wanting to throw up every ten seconds. I could actually see the light at the end of the Chemo tunnel. I am still tired and a little antsy but nothing like I was on Friday or Saturday.

I CAN DO THIS!!!

Dinner.

I went to my best friends parents house tonight. Her mother is a breast cancer survivor. It was great to hear good feedback from an experienced patient. She told me things to expect from Chemo like taste change. She is an avid coffee lover, always has been, and could not stand the smell of it during her treatments. Her husband said he would get up in the morning, plug in an extension cord, and take the coffee machine out onto the back deck. Even in the freezing January mornings we experience here in Seattle!

I felt a lot of comfort in what she was saying. It is going to be hard but I will be fine. She is an amazing woman that I always looked up to, but after tonight I feel very good. She said something that I am sure I have heard before but it really hit me tonight. Cancer is no longer a death sentence, they are very advanced now in treatments and recovery. Their equipment is much more high tech and survival rates are higher than ever. Maybe it meant more because she is a survivor. Or maybe just because she is like a second mother to me. Probably both. She understands the nerves involved with every doctors visit and has always kept a positive attitude. She is lucky to be alive and I am lucky to know her! Thanks Bonnie for the encouragement and the wonderful spinach salad!

Chemo.


I saw my Chemotherapy doctor today. She seems a little like a "matter of fact" kind of doctor. Not that that's a bad thing, it's just not what I am used to. She told me I will more than likely need a blood transfusion before all this is over, because I am severely anemic. I may not lose my hair but she said it will thin. I have to watch for a couple things:

1. Any numbness in my hands and feet.
2. Hearing loss or ringing in my ears, although this is more common in older patients.
3. Thinning hair.
4. Nausea, which for me is going to be bad I am sure. I have the weakest stomach!
5. Loss of appetite.
6. Taste changes, Metallic taste.
7. Toxins in my kidney (they will be checking)

and a few more that are less common. I am a bit of a hypochondriac so I try not to read too much. I told my mom and Rhonda to research and only tell me what I need to know, then if I experience anything I can ask them about it and they will tell me if it's normal or if I need to worry.

I will have weekly blood tests to monitor my progress. She said that in an 80 year old man she has more flexibility with dosages because basically she is just trying to prolong their life and make it as comfortable as possible, but with me it needs to be an exact science because I am only 25. She is not prolonging my life but allowing me to live it. She also said that my radiation is going to be what saves my life. They really have all the responsibility to get rid of my tumor, the Chemo just helps radiation work 10x stronger.

That scared me a little because for the first time through all of this, I felt like I had Cancer. Up until now I haven't really felt sick. Even through surgery, it hadn't really hit me. But today it just became a little more real.

I left her office feeling pretty good, I am nervous about the nausea but I know it is nothing I can't handle.

Next we went over to my Radiation measurement appointment. I LOVE THE STAFF THERE!!! They are so friendly and really make you feel comfortable. The two people to do my measurements were awesome. They explained everything and then we started.

I had to be put on a bed and go through a donut shaped machine. It actually goes pretty fast, unlike the CT scan. Then they vacuumed a blue bean bag pad to my legs so I will be in the same position every week. It is all very specific but I don't know what anything is called so it sounds so odd. After all that was done I needed to get 3 tiny dot tattoos, so, again, I am in the same position every week. I said "I have had tattoos so I know what to expect." Oh how stupid I am. These are not normal tattoos!!! They put a spot of ink on you, and then stab you with a needle. Yea, you read that right, STAB you with a needle! It hurts. Really hurts. And I had to have 3 of them! I felt so tough though, it's like getting a dirty tattoo in prison :)

Right before the actual tattoo part, they need to mark you. Should be relatively simple, except for me, nothing is. As she started marking me I said "that tickles" to which she replied "well he's about to do it on that side, so don't laugh" at which point I bust up laughing so hard I started to cry! For probably 3 or 4 minutes I could not stop giggling. Neither could my mom, but she was trying to stay quiet because she didn't want to make it worse for me. He finally looked at me and said "You are the only person to ever come in here and laugh". At least I was laughing and not crying, right?! He even laughed a little. I had to close my eyes and take a deep breath.

After I was all done, I was in very good spirits. I would like to think I have had a pretty good attitude through all of this. I mean there is no sense in feeling sorry for myself, it won't help. And all things considered, I am extremely lucky. I am in the 2nd stage of cancer but it hasn't spread and that is a blessing from God! One of my best friends, Lauren, called tonight and said something I needed to hear, the Kingdom is not for the weak. Don't get me wrong, I have bad days but I try to count my blessings those days. It is extremely unfortunate that I will not be able to conceive children now, but lucky for me, I experienced that when I was 19 with my daughter. Her family is so supportive through all of this too. Her mother, Kelly, told me anytime I needed a "fix" that I can come stay with them. I mean how lucky can I be to have such a great relationship with them!

I try and remember to take pictures where ever this road takes me. Here are the pictures I have taken so far.

Warning: Some pictures at the end show my thigh and quite a bit of skin. If you don't want to see them, they will be the last 3 pictures.

This picture is from my first visit to the ER in Tempe. I had the most amazing RN. He made the trip not so miserable. He told great stories to pass the time, as they were extremely busy that night. I never got blood drawn from my right arm until that night, and now I will never go back to my left! Thank You Billy for such a great experience :)

The other 3 pictures are also of that night. My poor roomie, Rikki, stuck it out with me all night!

This bruise was from the shot they put in my arm to bloat my stomach for surgery. After my surgery, I could feel random air bubbles floating throughout my stomach!

These were all the incisions made during my surgery. Most of them were to move my ovaries up and away from the radiation zone, but one (or some) was to take out lymph nodes to see if the cancer had spread. It didn't :)

And some without the bandages. The weirdest place was right through my belly button. That one seems to be the most annoying as it scabs over, it itches like crazy!!! All in all I had 6 incisions and it looks like they won't scar, although at this point it would be cool to have some "battle wounds"!

I had surgery on Monday but by Thursday was feeling pretty good. Turns out I probably pushed myself a little too much because I was staying with one of my besties, Rhonda, and by Saturday night I had a an ER visit. I had a pretty big blood clot come out and then couldn't stop bleeding for a couple minutes straight. To be safe we went in, and he explained that sometimes happens after surgery but my blood count was really low and he wanted me to take it easy or I would need a blood transfusion. I should also add that by this point I am so used to being stuck with needles, it hardly even phases me anymore!

Then randomly on Tuesday, yesterday, I woke up with this rash on my neck. I still don't know what caused it but my doctor thinks it may be the pain killers. It doesn't bother me that much, lightly itchy, but it looks terrible! Even today it still looks pretty broken out but I am still taking my medication so that is probably not helping!

 

This is from Radiology today. About to have measurements so they know where to direct the radiation every week.

Okay, now is when I need to warn you about the next pictures. These were taken at my Radiology appointment today and they had to lower my pants. I want to be really open and honest through all of this experience, so I am going to add them. My intention is not to be offensive, so if you don't want to see them, stop now!

This is when they just started marking me for my tattoos. The black marks on my hip is just one of the spots I got tattoo'd on. I have one on the other side and right down the middle.

Marking my other hip...

and my tattoo right down the middle. THESE WERE NOT FUN! I have had tattoos, but never like this. They used a dab of ink and stabbed you with a needle, just like a jailhouse tat!

From the beginning (read at your own risk)

For those of you who don't know the whole story, here goes:

I originally went to the gyno because I was bleeding for a whole year. The reason I did not go sooner was because the bleeding started when I had a birth control (called implanon) implanted in my arm. They told me that my bleeding would either completely stop or I would bleed everyday for 3 months. So when the 3 months were up and I was still bleeding, I just figured it was still from the implanon. Then after about a year and 2 months, I started to experience a lot of pain. More than just cramps, just a dull pain that never left. One night in March, I was in the shower and all of a sudden I started bleeding a ton. It didn't hurt but it was certainly cause for concern. The scariest part was a lot of it was blood clots. I called my mom crying and freaking out and she said to lay down on the bed for an hour and if I bled through my pad I needed to call her back right away. 20 minutes went by and I was already bleeding through. She and I both decided I needed to go to the E.R.

My roommate Rikki took me to the E.R. The wait was unreal. We were in the waiting room for more than 3 hours. When they finally took me back, it took them another 2 hours to take my blood for testing. Finally they were ready to do the exam and then realized they put me in the wrong room, so I had to get up and walk to a different bed across the E.R. in my gown!!! Then it took them another hour to come see me. When I finally had the exam, the doctor told me that I did in fact have abnormal bleeding. He said "go home, take a vicoden and you will be fine." He also said that maybe I should check in with an OBGYN and get my implanon out. They left me in the room for another hour before finally releasing me. I was in the E.R. for a total of 8 hours that night!!!!!!! My poor roomie had stuck by my side through it all. Thanks Girl!

After the awesome E.R. trip I put off seeing a doctor because I have no medical insurance and I knew my hospital bills were going to be ridiculous ($2600 to be exact). So I let things go for a couple more weeks until things made a turn for the worst.

I was experiencing crazy bleed outs like that night 2 or 3 times a week at this point. And then the pain got worse and more severe. I always had the dull pain, but when I needed to pee or after I had just eaten I would get sharp stabbing pains that would last 10 minutes sometimes. I went to work one night and was telling some of the girls casually about everything going on and the owners wife, Paula, showed a lot of concern. She told me I needed to get checked immediately and she didn't care about the cost. She would help in any way she could, she just wanted me to get some answers. I called the next morning and scheduled and appointment.

When I arrived at my appointment I was confident they were just going to tell me that I needed my birth control out. I told that to the OBGYN and he agreed. He said he wanted to do the pap just to be safe but it probably was just my implanon causing problems. During the exam I had a lot of pain. More than the normal exam amount. And I saw his expression turn from normal to concern. I asked if it was just the birth control and he said he would talk to me in a minute. After the exam he sat me up and said "This has nothing to do with the implanon, I see a large mass on your cervix. It could be nothing like a cyst or just benign mass, but it could be something like a cancerous tumor. We need to do a biopsy and have a CT scan done to be sure." I then said "ok, well just so you know, I don't have insurance so of course I will do what is necessary but if there is anything we can skip please let me know." To which he replied "Then I am going to be extremely honest with you. This is not good. I can tell it is a tumor and based on the size and the way it bleeds when I touch it, I am 98% positive this is cancer."

CANCER. That word is the scariest word to me. I know barely anything about cancer and now I may actually have it. After I left his office I felt beaten down. I just sat in my car in the parking lot trying to process what just happened. Eventually I called my mom and we decided I should call my doctor in Seattle and see what she thinks. She called me immediately the next day to tell me that based on  my age it is highly unlikely that it is actually cancer. I decided I trust her opinion the most and knew she would do whatever it took to help me without losing the ability to have kids, so I flew home. She saw me the following morning (on her day off!)

Half way through that exam I saw the same expression on her face as the gyno in Phoenix. When she finished she asked me to sit up and before she could finish telling me she started to choke up. I cried, she cried, and then we made a plan. I only add this in here to show how much I love my doctor. She is someone who truly cares about my health and my future. I am not just another patient to her, I am a person in need of great health care. She also could tell just by the size and tenderness of it that it was going to come back malignant. So when I got the news the next morning that sure enough it was a tumor and was confirmed cervical cancer, I wasn't too surprised.

That is when I went to see my new cancer specialist. She determined it was stage 2B. There are only 3 stages and they go 123 and abc. So I was smack dab in the middle. We still have not figured out why it has grown so much so fast. My Dr. told me, the size of my tumor is what she would expect to see on someone that has had it for 10 years and mine is less than a year. We know that because I had a pap done when they originally put in my Implanon. Being in the 2nd stage of this cancer meant surgery to remove the tumor would be pointless due to the fact that it had grown into the tissue surrounding my cervix, which means I need radiation to get rid of it there. So we decided to do a surgery to move my ovaries up higher into my body, in hopes that the radiation will miss them and I will not go through menopause. THAT WOULD SUCK! She also decided since I was already under the knife, to check my lymph nodes in my abdomen to see if the cancer had spread. It didn't :)

As you can see, the last month has been a roller coaster of emotions for me. Thankfully I have an amazing support system back home in Arizona and here in Washington. My job has been more than understanding of this whole situation and have told me to take as much time as I need. My family and friends have all helped by getting me to appointments and providing me with anything I need. I may seem strong but the truth is I couldn't do this without every single one of you!

Thank you so much!!!!!!!