I woke up this morning with a little bit of a fever. Also I have been in a lot of pain this week and have had some other things not normal so I called the doctor just to be sure first thing this morning. They suggested I come in even if it is nothing, better to be safe than sorry. My doctor was off today so I met Dr. Beth and she did my exam. I really liked her (like I said, I have gotten super lucky with my medical team). She was very careful and precise. She said it doesn't seem like anything is wrong with the tumor, however, my stomach is extremely tender so she ordered a CT scan. I hate these. The gross smoothie you need to drink first, the lying on a bed being told when to breathe and when to hold your breath, the contrast dye (which I am allergic to by the way) that makes you feel like you are peeing your pants, etc. So I am already anxious when I call to schedule it and the receptionist was a total brat. She was asking me what doctor ordered it because she has never met a Dr. Beth (and apparently she knows every doctor in the world), why she needed me to have it done, why it was focused on my pelvic area, and then proceeded to tell me that I need insurance approval that takes 5-7 days minimum. I understand that last part to a certain degree but her attitude was unpleasant and I did not need to get insurance approval the first time. Which is extra frustrating because they have cancelled my insurance now!!

Long story short is hopefully I am ok but I won't know for sure for at least 5-7 days MINIMUM!

My last day of Radiation was August 14th (almost 2 weeks ago). I thought now was the easy part, I was wrong. My skin has gotten worse for some reason. Instead of healing it just feels more burnt everyday. I get really bad headaches, I have hot flashes regularly now, and my tumor is causing more pain than when this whole thing began. I feel like I am living on pain meds now and I hate that. Also I haven't lost a single pound since going off Chemo. It's depressing. Is this my new size? I am not used to it and I don't feel pretty at all anymore. My stomach looks (ironically) like I am pregnant plus I have 5 nasty scars from my surgery that look more like bug bites than battle wounds. Nothing I own fits right. I can't wear jeans again because my skin is so irritated. I live in sweats. I feel like a bum.

Today I decided to go shopping for a friend that is due to have a baby any minute now. She is my best friend ever as she has taken care of me when I can't. She took me in and let me live with her when I needed a place to stay. She paid for meals for me when I couldn't afford to. She gives me the greatest advice even when I think I have heard it all. She, again, is my best friend. So today I went to find her new baby boy a cute outfit. I was looking in the 9-12 month section because babies grow fast and her babies grow even faster. As I am looking through the rack I come across a cute Hurley brand outfit. I start to wonder if they like Hurley and what their baby would look like in it. Then I thought "well I would dress my baby in this..." at which point I start crying really hard in the middle of the store. It sneaks up on me. These moments of weakness that I don't expect. I am really sad I will never be able to be pregnant again. I will never feel a baby kick. The journey of getting a baby I know is really hard. I hate to act like a victim but honestly this is just the shittiest luck ever. I ended up just walking away. I couldn't be there any longer. I was really embarrassed especially because no one else knows why I am crying.

I did not write any of this for sympathy or compliments. I wrote it to show that I am weak sometimes. I know everyone thinks I have been extremely strong, and I agree for the most part, but I do have my moments. Today has been a hard day. The Radiation has really drowned me in pain. I am trying to recover but the last 2 days have seemed impossible.

Just found some more pictures I never posted from Radiation and my first Chemo treatment. Enjoy!

This is Radiation. You can see where I lay on a bed and a huge machine circles around me. Radiation only ever took 5 to 10 minutes. I miss that crew, they were awesome!

Another close up of me and the big machine.

These show where the radiation was directed in my pelvic area. They took these photos once a week to make sure the radiation was going where it needed to be.

This was my very first day of Chemo. That blanket over my arm was to warm the veins so they would get big and throb. I had to do this weekly because apparently I have tiny veins. Also the blanket trick helped a lot to relieve the pain of the Chemo entering the vein.

The Chemo made me have to pee constantly! I was up at least every hour to go to the bathroom. Lucky for me I had a private room most of the time which included a bed and my own bathroom!

Messy hair but good spirits considering :)

My cousin Brianna was amazing! She came every single week and had lunch with me. She also brought me treats and presents, plus a lot of reading material and games I could play by myself to pass the time when I was alone. One week in particular I was really sad and had an awful nurse and she just let me cry and rubbed my back and stayed by my side. I don't know what I would have done without her!!!!!!!!!! Thanks Brianna, I love you!

This is the actual bag of Chemo I had. It is called Cisplatin (pronounced sis-plat-in) It was awful. It made everything taste like metal. It made my body feel like I was being poisoned for  2 to 3 days after treatments even. It did not, however, make me lose my hair or lose a ton of weight. The guy that prepared my Chemo bags is Rollie. He is awesome. He was super friendly and always came by my room to chat. He was like a bartender for Chemo and we always called him a wizard in his potion cave because he had to mix everything in a tiny little room that had 2 locked doors just to access it. I got really lucky with most of the staff there too!

And my first trip home. I was severely nauseous and the mask helped to block smells. It was the only week I needed to wear the mask because I figured out which meds helped.

I look like a Jackson kid :)



Decision made.

I am stopping treatment and having a hysterectomy in about 6 weeks. Which also means I will not be able to go back to Arizona as soon as I hoped. As of right now, my surgery is planned for October 8th. I will not be able to move much for at least a week after surgery, but I am hoping to be home in AZ by my birthday (Halloween for those of you that don't know)!

The pros and cons were a lot to think about, however she did say I can keep my ovaries even with the surgery. So if I don't go through menopause my eggs will be usable :)

She said that normally she does not even offer a hysterectomy to her patients because they are unnecessary when going the Chemo and Radiation route but because of my age she gave me the option. There is still a lot of risk with having the surgery such as bladder problems, colon problems, excessive bleeding, and she said people who have had radiation tend to take twice as long to fully heal. So on average it takes a week to be up and walking but for me it will be a week to two weeks and it takes about 3 months to fully recover but for me it may take 5 or 6 months. I won't be able to lift things or do any strenuous activity for 5 to 6 months!

The appealing part to me was the fact that it will be taken out. They were going to leave the tumor in there forever, it would be cancer free, but it would still be in there! That I never liked the idea of. She said even having the hysterectomy my cancer could come back but for me it is peace of mind having the tumor out. Also she said my tumor is half the size it was. For me that isn't good enough. I only had 2 more treatments left. She said the radiation works for about 2 months after but that still didn't make me feel too confident it would be gone.

All in all I feel it is the right decision for me.

When this journey began I was told I would never be able to "carry" my own child. I went through my first surgery ever to save my only chance of having another child of my own. They moved my ovaries higher up into my body to try and protect them from radiation so that one day I can use a surrogate. We wouldn't know if the surgery was a success until all radiation was complete, but if I went through menopause we knew it had failed. As of about a month ago I started showing signs of menopause. At first I really tried to ignore the symptoms but then other people started to notice too. I have hot flashes that come on suddenly but nothing like the ones my mom had when she went through menopause. She had ones that burned so hot she had to strip down to almost nothing and walk out back for awhile just to cool down, as where I get really hot but just taking off a sweater or stepping outside brought instant relief. Then the mood swings started. I get annoyed very easily and usually by people that I care the most about, I start crying over the dumbest things, and I don't feel like doing anything. I don't know if that last one is a symptom but it isn't like me normally.

Now onto my second radiation treatment.

It was just like last week except when I woke up, I felt no pain! Even when they moved me to and from the CT scan bed again. Also this week they said that everything looked good and we could use the same plan as last week so instead of waiting 3 hours I got to just go in and do it. As the treatment started I began to feel a little pain but nothing compared to last week. When it was all over my doctor came in to talk to me. Here is where the unexpected news comes in. He said I needed to meet with my Oncologist (cancer doctor) before my appointment next Tuesday to discuss if she wants me to finish radiation, stop radiation and have a hysterectomy, or finish radiation and have a hysterectomy.

He said at this point it is hard to prove and there is a lot of debate surrounding the topic of whether a hysterectomy is beneficial to preventing cancer from coming back, however he would hate to find out in 20 years that I should have had one and there just wasn't enough proof at the time to show that. Since I am only 25, preventing this cancer from coming back is huge. Quite honestly I think about this all the time. The down side of getting this done is there is a much higher risk of causing problems to my bladder and/or colon which are pretty weak anyway from all the radiation I have undergone.

So I asked, what about my ovaries. Can they still be saved? He said at this point it doesn't really matter. I have had too much radiation for him to believe they will ever really work.

My options are don't get the hysterectomy and risk the cancer coming back with just the hope of my ovaries functioning properly or get the hysterectomy and know that my ovaries are gone with no chance of working and still the cancer may come back because nothing has really been proven otherwise.

It's weird to think that when this year started my biggest goal was to travel and say yes more. Now I am fighting for my life and all the while just trying to stay positive.

First Day.

Internal radiation is no joke. I have handled everything pretty well up until now I think, this was the hardest day by far!

I went in at 6 am and got home around 1:30. Everything I was worried about turned out fine. Specifically waking up after the general anesthesia. I woke up and was joking with the nurse all the way to the cancer center.

When I was under they had put a large rod directly on my cervix so when I woke up, I could barely move. This made it so that when I needed a CT scan 6 nurses had to pick me up and transfer me to a different bed. That went fine. Transferring me back, however, are where my problems started.

The rod they place on my cervix is very large and has 3 prongs on the tip. In order to protect my bladder and colon from radiation, they wrap it in gauze. A lot of gauze, which causes a lot of pressure. When they moved me back onto my bed, something shifted and I felt a lot of pain. I actually think it was the gauze pressing on my catheter making for a very painful 4 hours.

At first I just said this really hurts, but 30 minutes in I was in tears. I cried for 4 hours! I am almost embarrassed thinking back. They must think I am just young and can't handle pain. They kept giving me more and more pain meds, but nothing seemed to work. Not even Morphine. I have had a baby and that was nothing compared to this. Granted I had an epidural when I had Katie, but it still hurt. This was worse. My nurse was awesome, she kept a cold compress on my head and brushed my hair with her hand and helped me calm down. I had gotten so worked up at one point that I was breathing in really hard (like when you cry really hard) and the more I breathed in, the worse it hurt. I had to take slow deep breaths in order to stay calm.

My doctor said next week should be better. Now that he knows my tolerance, he will put Morphine in my IV while I am under. That way I wake up with the pain killers having a chance to work. Everyone cross your fingers because I honestly don't think I can deal with that much pain for the next 3 weeks! He also said that the first week is always the hardest because it is new to your body and the wait in between shouldn't be as long because they already know about where to direct the radiation.

Thanks for the continued support!